There’s a moment I get down. I can’t do anything, I can actually, physically and I also do realize I have to do things. Like homework doing something that is productive. But I just sit there and don’t get anything done and just sit there and am disappointed of myself for not getting the things done I must. I sit there for 4 hours and maybe do some other Thing than listening to Music for about 20 minutes. And when I sit there I just think about too much and everything. There are actually two things I could do. On the one hand, I feel like there’s everything possible on my mind. Like my mum, school, homework, friends, the Boy, about who I think all the time and don’t know what to think about what’s between us (I really don’t get anything anymore) and it all just rushes through my mind. And on the other hand, there’s nothing. Only sadness and I actually want to cry but there’s just no emotion at all. So I waste my life with sitting staring and doing nothing.
And I feel so stupid afterwards for feeling like that, because I have a good life, I really have. I have awesome friends and family and I live in a house an I’m good at school but there are such those moments, I bet everybody has them. My friend told me she has them too. But I wonder why we all have to be at this point sometimes, because there’s really nothing cool about it and I actually don’t want other people and of course also myself to feel so deep, dark, lost and worthless.
And then I understand nothing at all. I don’t understand why after two really great months I could get so down. And then there’s love, which is just confusing me and destroying some part of me. And all this happens, although there was nobody doing anything wrong or hurting me in advance. And on one of my (there are happily a lot) good days I can’t get why and how I was able to get myself so down. I think it’s my mind that’s doing this and I overthink and worry about my thoughts and then just a small thing like a bad joke from a friend could really bring me apart.
So I hadn’t these things quite often but just since the last week or something I can’t put myself out and force myself to stop this shitty thinking and stop making everything worse only by my thoughts. I wondered what has changed since last week and I really do know, but the thing is I also know that the reason won’t go away and I can’t do anything. I guess, yeah, I’m sure it will get better but at those moments it’s just like the worst thing on earth. But with time everything gets better. I hope you know you’re not alone, I hope and I know I’m not alone.
I’m a bit sorry for such a depressing post, but as I said in this post I want to be this blog the real me and I’m a real person and not perfect so there are also some of my bad moods and parts on the blog. I Need to get them off somehow too. Please tell me in the comments your experiences or advice, because I think it’s always easier to get through that stuff together (like my sister and my friend, who are probably reading this, thanks for listening always).
xxx Girl on rainbow